Edward and Bella 15 Years into the future
by Destiny Wilderbeast
Summary: 15 years into the future, Edward and Bella are still together; what is to become of their relationship?
1. Chapter 1

The Twilight Years of Love

"EDWAAAAAAAAARD!! EDWARD!!" Bella's cigarette hung limply from the corner of her mouth. Her protruding belly hung over her faded sweatpants. "EDWARD WHERE IS THE REMOTE?!"

"Dammit, woman," Edward hollered. "Find it yourself, you had it last!"

It had been 15 years since Edward and Bella became one and had their child. The child had grown, decided living with the Cullens was "the pits" and hopped in a minivan to become a groupie for a small band. Bella gave birth to a daughter later, Mary-Sue, who had succumbed to German measles at a young age.

Edward and Bella had since moved into a small trailer on the northern outskirts of Reno. Bella was employed at a local Kentucky Fried Chicken, serving greasy buckets through a drive-thru window, while Edward had lost his vampire powers in a bet over a Knicks game. Domestic bliss was not quite what the two of them had expected.

Bella began to sparkle as beams of light shone through the blinds, warm from the afternoon sun.

"Turn that off!" Edward barked. "I have a headache!"

"You made me this way!" Bella screamed.

"I HAVE A HEADACHE!" Edward screamed back.

Bella often pondered what life would have been like if she had married a werewolf or a cecaelia. She wondered what it would have been like to live in an underwater castle instead of a dumpy trailer in a desolate town.

"Fat bitch," Edward muttered under his breath.

Super-sensitive hearing was a mixed blessing for unhappily married vampires. "Fuck you," Bella replied.

Were they happy once? Yes, they were. But happiness is shortlived - unlike vampires - and soon they found themselves miserable and jaded, enjoying time together only as mute golems watching the television.

Bella wished she knew what would become of them - alas, vampires can only read the minds of mortals, and not of the immortal Father Time. Sighing sadly, she flopped onto the broken couch, stuffing pouring out of the cushion. Edward sat on the other side, glaring at a Sudoku.

"You should get a job," she told Edward.

"You sould lose weight," he replied.

She turned on the tv.


	2. Chapter 2 Jacob's Return

Bella, squinting, peered out the blinds of their cramped trailer. A coyote's mournful cry wavered in the desolate Nevada wasteland.

"Damn coyotes have been crying all night," Bella complained. "I wish they'd shut up so I could get some sleep."

"You need to shut up," Edward replied absentmindedly. "You talk too much."

"Shut your GOTdamn mouth," Bella shouted.

"Why don't you give me a demonstration?" Edward shouted back.

The sound of broken glass spraying across the outside of their trailer shut them both up. The two of them went outside to investigate.

They discovered a stumbling Jacob, howling drunkenly amidst a thousand glittering shards of glass, the remnants of an empty whiskey bottle.

Bella lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, exhaling smoke through her nostrils. "Why are you here?" she asked.

"I want to be," he began, slurring his words, "I want to be a better father. Where that daughter we got...Susie Joe?"

"You mean Mary Sue?" Bella replied.

"Yeah, that chick," Jacob was having difficulty standing. "I want to be a better father to her."

"She's dead," Bella replied.

"No kidding?" Jacob asked.

"No, shut the fuck up." Bella took another drag of the cigarette. "Well Edward, now you know my terrible secret. I had an affair with Jacob."

"What now?" Edward was gazing at a cactus. "I wasn't paying attention."

"I said I cheated on you, asshole. What do you think of that?"

"I think thats a great idea," Edward replied. "Are you going to go run off with him now?"

"Hell no," Jacob spat. "I don't want that fat bitch."  
"Well I sure as hell don't want her," Edward yelled.

"Shut up, both of you!" Bella screeched. "Edward, I remember when you would have died to defend my honor!"

"Oh really? Because I can't remember when you had any honor to defend!" Edward hollered back.

Bella ran over to Jacob's remaining whiskey bottle. Picking it up, she hurled it at Edward, who ducked. This bottle, made of plastic, bounced off the side of the trailer into Jacob's stomach, who began vomiting in response to the insult to his gastrointestinal tract.

"You're always making messes!" Edward shouted at Bella.

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" Bella screamed back.

Jacob began to howl amidst the vomiting.

"Shit," Bella realized, "We're missing the new episode of Wife Swap."

Edward and Bella rushed into the trailer, temporarily functional once again. Whatever remaining hot flames of passion were replaced by the soft warm glow of the television. Although their marriage is an unhappy one at best, the two of them still fared better than Jacob, left vomiting and shivering in the cold Nevada night. But with marriage, some can only hope for that much - a loveless union bound by gold-plated nickel rings and a secondhand television set.


	3. Chapter 3 Renesmee's Secret

Bella finished her cigarette and turned to put it out in the ashtray. Noting the glass vessel was saturated with old cigarettes, she coughed and glared at Edward. "Why don't you ever empty the damn ashtray?"

"I don't smoke, why the hell should I do it?" Edward replied. "You taste like an ashtray," he added in spite.

"How would you know? You never kiss me!" Bella screamed.

"Stop screaming so much! I have a headache you sparkling asshole!" he screamed back.

A knock was heard at the trailer door. "You and your damn headaches," Bella said. "I hope its a tumor." She opened the door. "Renesmee! What are you doing here?"

Renesmee, the daughter of Edward and Bella, showed up at the door with 3 nose piercings and a shaved head. A tattoo of a fairy flanked her right cheek. "My World

of Warcraft guild's reunion is in Reno this year," she said. She noted the smell of stale cigarettes wafting from the trailer. "You got one I can bum, ma?"

"Sure sweetie," Bella said, waddling over to her carton.

"Oh great, kill our daughter," Edward sneered. "Not like you have to worry about lung cancer, you're undead."

"Undead? UNDEAD?" Bella hollered at him. "You make me feel like I am dead and in hell!"

"Yeah? Well the feeling is mutual sweetheart, but I can't help but to feel a little misplaced since the natives around here make it seem like I'm stuck in the gluttonous

circle of hell!"

"Fuck you!" Bella screamed.

"Look ma," Renesmee interrupted. "I wanted to tell you something important." She took a deep breath. "Ma, I'm a lesbian."

"WHAT! WHAT!" Bella continued screaming. "Edward look what you've turned our daughter into! Some fairycheeked womenloving hooligan! How the hell can she be

interested in men with a father figure like you around?"

"Oh yeah, theres no way you could spoil her for women, considering your womanly figure is lost somewhere between amorphous blob and beluga whale!" Edward

retorted.

"Stop it!" Renesmee cried. "Stop it, both of you! It's nothing you two have done. Its the way I am. Please just try to support me."

"Sweetheart," Bella said, "I'll support you no matter what. Your father, on the other hand, cannot because he is a lazyass pile of garbage who wont get a job."

"I meant emotional support, not financial," Renesmee sighed.

"If you want to support a building, put your mother under it," Edward chirped. "She has enough mass to do it."

"If you want to meet my girlfriend," Renesmee cut in, shooting a dark look at her father, "You can meet her tomorrow. She's a caecalia so I'll have to bring her tank."

Bella perked up at the thought of the half-human half-octopus monster. "I've heard of those!" she exclaimed. "I always considered running away with one of them."

"The only running you do is running your goddamn mouth," Edward muttered.

"Bastard! I've had it!" Bella started grabbing trash off the floor and hurling it at her husband. "I wish you were dead!" She yelled.

"Me too!" He yelled back.

Bella unveiled a large bottle of gin underneath a pile of KFC containers. "Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin," she breathed.

"Giiiiiiiiin?" Edward gasped.

"Giiiiiiiiin." 15-year-old Renesmee exclaimed ecstatically.

Hammered, the small family laughed and cried together as one, the first happy reunion any of them could recall. Although they were not necessarily a functional family

unit - indeed, far from it - the mysteries of the ethanol were enough to tie them all together, at least until the hangover.


	4. Chapter 4 Bella's Brush with Death

Edward whispered a hushed goodbye and put the phone down discreetly. Bella, who had been engaged in a hyperglycemic stupor, stopped snoring and eyed Edward suspiciously.

"Who were you talking to?" she demanded.

"None of your business," he replied.

"Dammit," she hollered, "If you're calling up those damn sexlines again, I can't afford it."

"Oh yeah! Can't afford 1.99 a minute but can buy 3 buckets of KFC a day!"

Bella snatched up one of the referenced buckets and hurled it at his head. "I get an employee discount!" she screamed.

Their lovers quarrel was interrupted by a loud pounding on the trailer's door.

"Who the hell could it be?" Bella wondered aloud. She opened the door and a blonde woman burst into the trailer. Beads of sweat trickled down the sides of her face.

"I'm here," she shouted, brandishing her stake. "Where is the bloodsucking monster?"

Bella blinked, then glared at Edward. "You called Buffy the vampire slayer to kill me?"

Edward pointed at Bella. "There she is, kill her, kill her now."

Bella scowled. "You son of a bitch!"

Buffy scrutinized both parties. "You don't look like typical vampires," Buffy said, confused.

"No, I'm a vampire," Bella protested. She walked into the sun, where she began to sparkle. "Vampires sparkle, see?"

Buffy threw down her stake. "Vampires don't sparkle! What is this? How are you a vampire? Do you drink blood?"

Bella shook her head and held up a bucket. "Hell no, you can get diseases that way. I eat chicken."

"She doesn't eat it," Edward corrected. "She scarfs it down. Have you ever seen the Rancor from Star Wars?"

Bella, in fury, took a drumstick out of the bucket and threw it at Edward. It bounced off his shoulder and rolled across the dirt. "Oh no, my chicken!" Bella cried in panic, scrambling after it.

"So are you going to kill her or what?" Edward demanded.

"I've never seen a vampire that fat," Buffy told him. "I don't think she counts. Also, she only eats chicken."

"She's obnoxious," Edward whined.

"She's your wife," Buffy replied.

"Doesn't have to be," he winked.

Buffy looked a little pale. "I want to leave now," she said. She left the trailer, hardly noticing Bella rolling on the Nevada desert slobbering over chicken.

"I need a new job," Buffy muttered, driving off into the sunset.

Bella picked herself up off the ground and brushed the dirt off of her sweatpants. Strolling back into the trailer, she sat next to Edward on the couch. Sighing a little, she told him, "Well, what would a marriage be without the occasional assassination attempt?"

Edward shrugged. "About as empty as one of your chicken buckets if you've been around it for 30 seconds," he replied.

"Bastard!" Bella screamed.

And so, it was the end to another uneventful day for the Cullens. Some marriages are based on love, some on money - for the Cullens, it was some cocktail of laziness, gluttony, and the fear of being alone. For some, however, this is all they need; and where happiness fails, chicken thrives.


	5. Chapter 5 THE FINALE

**Bella and Edward, 30 years into the future - The Final Chapter**

**Please read the previous chapters before reading this one.**

Bella lay prone, snoring, on the faded couch. Alas, the couch had not been the only thing to have faded over the years - Bella's looks, Bella's smile, Bella's life - had

all felt the 30-year sting of wear and tear. Bella snorted and flopped onto her side amidst her slumber. Lost in the valley of dreams, she thought of better days - no,

my mistake, she thought of ham. But despite my desire to over-romanticize an obese middle-aged woman's life, she did hold within her heart something more than

atherosclerotic plaques - she held hope that her husband, someday, would return to her.

That's when the knock came.

Edward stood at the trailer door, waiting for Bella to open it. It had been 10 years since he'd seen her - did he miss her? No, no really. His life was in shambles even

more than usual this week and he needed the only person who would acknowledge him with something other than a rape whistle. Edward's life had fallen to pieces

within the past 30 years - his daughter was whisked away, living in an underwater castle with her half-octopus half-human lesbian lover, his arch nemesis had

fathered an illegitimate child on his obese wife, and his vampire powers which had promised him youth, love, and glory for all eternity had been gambled off in a

Knick's game. He regretted so much - but most of all, not betting favorably on the Yankees.

Figuring it wasn't a break-in if the door couldn't close all the way, he stepped into the small trailer and announced "Honey, I'm home!" Bella woke up with a snort.

"Babe!" she shouted, trying to gain the momentum to roll off the couch. Grunting, she finally scrambled over to Edward. "Babe! You've come back to me! What made

you want to return?"

"I missed you so much babe I couldn't handle it," Edward lied. He'd burned down his small trailer by trying to make a cheesy pita in the oven and leaving it in for too

long.

"Well that's good you're back," Bella replied. "I'm out of gin and I really don't want to walk to the grocery store. Also, I don't know where you'll sleep, since i sold the

bed to pay for fried chicken."

"You and your chicken!" Edward hollered. "I'm surprised they haven't gone extinct with you around!"

"Get a job!" Bella hollered back.

Jacob, suddenly, burst into the trailer. "I'm back! I love you! Encompass me into your soft doughy arms, bitch!" Jacob's car, which had once also served as his home,

had been driven into a lake due to shoddy GPS navigation.

Bella gasped, confronted with something resembling a love triangle.

"You have fur to keep you warm at night!" Edward yelled at Jacob, who (as everyone has gathered at this point) was a werewolf.

"Well I'm sick of coyotes going up in my business when I have to sleep outside!" Jacob yelled back.

"Oh yeah, you think it'll be better living here? You've got a rude awakening coming," Edward retorted.

"Oh, good point," Jacob mused.

"Stop it! Stop it both of you!" Bella screeched."I know you're both in love with me - easy to understand, really - but I don't have enough room to keep both of you!

Why don't you fight it out?"

Jacob and Edward stared at eachother, waiting for the other to throw the first punch. The two of them simultaneously realized there was no way it was worth it;

what kind of prize was a disgruntled obese high-strung vampire or her run-down fried-chicken-filled trailer? Not a prize worth putting effort into.

"Nah," Jacob shrugged. He left the trailer and headed to the Reno library, where he could access Craigslist and try to find another mythical creature to shack up

with.

Edward turned around. "Well its me or crushing loneliness," he informed Bella.

Bella had since fallen asleep, cigarette still hanging from the side of her mouth. Snoring loudly, she didn't notice as Jacob sat on the couch next to her, turned on the

television and scratched himself. So what truly provided the longevity in their relationship? Not communication, not passion, not trust; no, what kept them together

were shoddy electrical appliances and the need to be liquored up. Throughout the years, the scars forming on Bella's liver mirrored the scars forming on her

relationship with Edward. Unlike her liver, however, which was quickly being destroyed, the metaphorical collagen on their relationship held them more strongly

together than pushed them apart. And as the sun set on the Reno skyline, Edward realized (heart sinking, pulse pounding) that he and Bella would be together

forever. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what fairytale endings are made of.

_**THE END.**_


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